Nosebleed Mustard


The only difficult part of this recipe is waiting two full weeks for the flavors to develop.  Taste it before then, and it will be bitingly bitter.  But when the time is right, geek out on the pleasure that comes with the singe of heat and the sweet fumes of a cool, slow burn.  Such is the pure macho delight of this mustard.  At the start of your sandwich you think, “No problem, I can handle this. Slather it on.”  But by the time you’ve reached crust’s end, the nasal passages will be whistling a different tune, begging for mercy, reaching for Kleenex, and wondering how you ever lived so long with that bland yellow factory goo.


1 cup dry, ground yellow mustard
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup common olive or vegetable oil (not a full-flavored olive oil)
2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
1/2 tsp. minced lemon zest
3 Tbsp. minced ginger
2 Tbsp. of cayenne
1 Tbsp. of wasabi powder


Combine all ingredients in a blender and whirl until thoroughly blended, 1-2 minutes, stopping midway to scrape down the sides.  Pour into a jar with the date marked on the lid, and hide it in the pantry behind the stale saltines for two weeks.

Stir well and taste.  The mixture should have thickened and lost its bitterness.  If not, reshelve, and taste again next week.  When this mustard cuts the mustard, refrigerate.

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